Welcome Peter!

[Guest]

[peterd]

[Guest]

[peters]

Thought I should provide this update on efforts to restore a trusting and playful relationship that had suddenly disappeared for no apparent reason. Am trying to stick to my "sole treatgiver" policy, and I believe it is helping. As well, she is allowing my hand around the cage bars to give her head/neck scratches, and not beating a hasty retreat as before when I approach. Equally heartening is that when she flys from her cage/gym, or when she has climbed down and approached us on the floor, she will readily come to me now & climb back on my hand, which she would never do before. Sometimes in the middle of these things, she may remember that she is supposed to be afraid & withdraw, but our interaction in this respect is becoming more frequent and regular, and I am patiently but gently trying to keep it moving forward. I was also including the trick of pretending to play briefly with her toys, which would cause her to approach either out of curiosity or possessiveness--either way, it seemed to promote a healthy interaction. She continues to communicate with me verbally, calling me by name when I leave the room, telling me she "LOOOOVES" me, and saying goodby when she knows I am going out. Very interesting process, for sure!

[Guest]

Peter,

One KEY thing to remember is that when she says she loves you, she DOES. Never forget that and continue this incredible comeback that you two are walking.

I'm very proud of you! Please keep us posted.
Maggie-

[Guest]

hey peter

try sitting on the couch or in a chair with a towel across your lap. have your wife set your bird on it with a few treats or toys nearby. 30 minutes to an hour of personal contact with you every 2 or 3 nights.
our grey harley did the same thing with my wife at about 2 or 3 yaers old. just having that 1 on 1 contact made all the difference.

good luck
terry

[peter]

Terry, thanks for the tip. We were coincidentally doing the same thing, at the outset when our girl was real spooky. Sometimes it seemed to work, and she would tolerate sitting on my lap/hand/shoulder for a while. But more often she just did not want any part of it. What seemed also to work was just to hang out by her gym, & try to seduce her with treats(I would sit on the floor & put a treat on my knee, etc. etc) and really feeling foolish. Imagine, a parrot making me act like a begging fool for mercy! Starting this week, for the first time with any regularity, she has willingly stepped up on my hand to join me for breakfast, and at nite when I come home, actually seems happy to see me and again step up as we watch TV together. But sometimes she just seems content to tease by pretending from a distance to want to socialize, but then retreating when I approach. Seems almost like she is deliberately playing mind games with me, and maybe she is. One thing I discovered this week that might be fun for others to try--happened to have unwrapped a granola bar, the kind that comes in a tinfoil like material(mylar?), and after giving her a bit of the bar, for no particular reason handed her the wrapper. This has become her favorite toy. She just seems to love holding it with one hand while working assiduously and endlessly on it with her beak, trying and trying to poke holes in it but never succeeding. I guess this is the challenge, and she never seems to tire of it--I tire before she does! Today, in an effort to get her to drop the wrapper so we could go out, I gave her a nut treat. But she just found a way to hold both at the same time, and eat the treat! The great thing is that the progress we are making is definite, even if now & then there are set-backs, so I remain hopeful that the time will come when we will be totally comfortable with each other once more. Our girl will be 3 this coming March. Terry, is yours female? Do you have any thoughts about why this happens? Maggie, thanks so much for your support, and for your comforting words.

[peter]

Today is Sunday 2/12 and last nite was a milestone in toward recapturing our relationship. After she made it clear from her calls & body language that she wanted to socialize, and she stepped up on my hand, we sat together long into the evening, with her playing with her wrapper, and alternatively preening and then(as she had done before our falling out) lowering her head, or holding it in her hand, asking for head & neck massages which I gave liberally and during which she would rest her head or beak against my cheek and just generally be affectionate. She seemed to be having such a good time that she would refuse opportunities to return to her gym until finally I just had to put her to bed. I am taking care to wait for clear signals that she wants to hang out with me, and not force the step up process. So far so good--we have had fun like this every day this week, and hopefully it will continue. I no longer try to force her into her cage at nite, but just let her perch where she wants, either in or on her cage, or on her adjacent gym. She still will not let me pet her like my wife can, and she does not offer to feed me as she does my wife, but I am not the victim of bites, as my wife sometimes is. I am continuing to work toward being able to engage in play with her as we did before, where she would do gymnastics on my hand, and maybe we are getting close. She does seem to enjoy music, and even sort of sings along when you serenade her, with feather fluffing indicating she is having a good time. Wish I were better at understanding all this psychology, but am learning as we go.

[Guest]

Wow! The two of you have come a long way! You are doing all of the right things, Peter.

I'm thrilled to read that this past week has gone so well.

Looking forward to the future!
Maggie-

[peter]

As I post this, my little girl is perched on my shoulder, preening and generally having a good time. I am happy to report that things seem pretty much back to normal, with no more psychotic behavior. In the AM and in the PM, before I leave for the day and after I come home, we have fun together, she perching on my hand, getting head & neck scratches with alternate preening, a kiss now & then, and yes, finally gymnastics again! Should I leave the room without her, I get calls for my return, and occasionally she will come looking for me. She will sing, make small talk and whistle while hanging out with me, and I just cannot express adequately how rewarding this feels, especially having gone through what we did over the past couple of months. I want to thank you again for the great comfort, guidance & support you have given me during this ordeal. It was quite a learning experience, but I am still trying fully to understand what happend, and maybe never will! But maybe at least I will be better prepared should, without warning, it happens again. Hope you will be there to help if it does. Thanks Maggie.

[Guest]

Hi Peter,

The behavior was actually not without warning, but you did not see the signs. Something happened at that time that sent her into a phobic fear of you....whether it was a new shirt, weird hat, hurting her by mistake, playing and chasing which sends them into fear....a scarey object that you touched. But it was something. But now you have her back. It will help to attempt to see the world thru a prey bird's eyes. Look at the room and always be cognizant that that is how they see things.

To learn more about phobias, please download the Spring 2002 issue that is on this membership board. I'm sure you already have. I just wanted to note it to other people reading the post.

When you leave the room, make a sound back at her when she calls to you. Always tell her you will be back when you leave the room too. In the wild, birds call back & forth when they are separated. A NON-RESPONSE in the wild means the other bird is probably dead. If a chick is calling out without a response, it may mean it has been abandoned and that builds great anxiety. Although our domestic Greys are not wild chicks, their instincts still react the same way. For that reason, it will help her feel more secure if you make a whistle or sound back to her. Please do a search on this board about what I have written before about "contact calls."

Wishing you guys a WONDERFUL weekend!
Maggie-

[peter]

Thanks again for the insights, and for the great advice!!

[Guest]

You're welcome, Peter.

Maggie-

[peterd]

[Guest]